Back next week. Hopefully. 😦
Back next week. Hopefully. 😦
The MS Foundation in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, has a great online magazine called MS Focus. They publish a new magazine four times a year, and all the magazines are accessible from the same page!
I especially love the first article about small changes leading to big improvement. It’s in the Winter 2013 Issue. I love the idea of baby steps, because they’re small, non-threatening steps you can actually take right now, and baby steps in sequence can still lead to something huge.
REMEMBER: You don’t have to figure out everything right now. You only need to know what you want to do NEXT!
So what’s your next baby step?
A few posts ago I mentioned that I had joined Weight Watchers and it, along with the Wahls Protocol, was ensuring I got the nutrition I need in my diet. I’d been experimenting with diets and diet modification for years, talking to doctors and nurses and registered holistic nutritionists… and usually came out with more questions than answers. Questions like:
– If I’m eating right, why do I need all these supplements?
– If YOU AGREE I’m eating right, why are you recommending more supplements?
– What do I ACTUALLY need to take, and in what dosage?
– What do I need to eat, and in what amounts, to get the nutrition I need to cut back or eliminate the supplements?
I discovered that if someone is making a living (or part of their living) selling supplements, they will always have a supplement to recommend, no matter what you’re already taking. I also discovered that medical opinions on supplements for MS vary widely. Everyone agrees that I should be taking Vitamin D, but I’ve been told anywhere from 2000 to 5000 IU’s a day, and somewhere I even read up to 8000 or 10000 IU’s. At one point, I was taking something like 14 pills at once, with all the different supplements.
I hate taking pills. I’ve mentioned that before. That was what inspired me to start looking for food-as-medicine type information. There’s nothing extra for these people to sell, no supplements or whatever, although they may push the occasional book. That’s okay, I’m fine with buying a book or two. It’s certainly cheaper than 14 supplements a month.
I was chatting with a Registered Holistic Nutritionist, who mentioned her Mom had been diagnosed with MS, and she’d found this amazing Ted Talk from a woman who had used diet modification to control her symptoms. This woman was Dr. Terry Wahls, and she went from a tilt-recline wheelchair and secondary-progressive MS to horseback and remission in something like a year, purely through diet.
Here was something I could get behind. I was totally willing to change my diet and my eating habits, because I believed from the beginning that the answer to most of my problems was in what I was eating. I just didn’t know what to change. So I toyed with the Wahls diet. I bought her book, “Minding My Mitochondria,” and read it. Not cover to cover, since some of it was a little too scientific for me, but enough to see what she was talking about. And I slowly started eating less processed foods. And more vegetables. And less grains. Then I took the plunge and went gluten-free, which is one of the most painful things I’ve ever done – my Mom’s Italian, Dad’s Dutch, and we survived on pasta and bread. But suddenly, one day it just stopped being so awful. My biggest discovery is that I can’t use substitutes. Gluten free bread is inedible, so I just don’t eat bread anymore. Cookies and muffins, sure, because they’re supposed to be dense and heavy. I can’t do substitutions because I have a very firm opinion on what food SHOULD taste like, and what the texture should be. So I just cut most grains out altogether, and I don’t even miss them. I’m reintroducing some into my diet, on advice from a Registered Dietitian, but it’s quinoa, rice and oats, mostly, and for now only once a week. I really try to eat more nutrient-dense foods, and starches just don’t have as many nutrients.
I also toyed with Dr. John McDougall’s diet, and I tried a Paleo diet, but if something doesn’t make sense to me, or (more importantly) doesn’t FEEL right to me, I won’t embrace it wholeheartedly. No one source of information, or one type of diet, ever felt completely right to me. Until I joined Weight Watchers.
I know, I know, I sound like a recruitment poster or something. But seriously, the new system doesn’t contradict any of the dietary recommendations that I decided to follow over the last few years, and it actually makes it a lot of things easier for me. I use their system to keep track of all the fruits and veggies and animal proteins and other good things I’m SUPPOSED to be eating, and it’s actually LESS restrictive than what I’ve been doing by myself for the last while. I’m eating a lot more now, and a wider variety of food, than I was allowing myself before I had these guidelines.
This is what I’ve done to combine the Weight Watcher tracking with what I got out of Dr. Wahls’ book, and I ran it by a Registered Dietician to make sure that my new planned diet was healthy and safe – she gave me two thumbs up!
– I aim for 9 cups of water. This may sound like a lot, but I make a lot of smoothies and soups, and I count the water I use in those as well. Plus, since starting Modafinil, the persistent dry-mouth makes me WANT even more water!
– I aim for 5 to 9 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, which is easy if you like making soups and smoothies. I assume 100 grams is a serving, and I label each serving check-box with a colour: red, orange, yellow, 4 greens, blue, and white. White is NOT starch, it’s the sulfurous veggies like cauliflower and mushrooms and onions. According to Dr. Wahls, keeping track of colours helps to ensure you get a good balance of all the different micro-nutrients you need, maybe not every day, but over the course of the week.
– I aim for two servings of healthy oil; one could be a teaspoon of olive oil or 1/8 avocado.
– I aim for 6 ounces of protein in a day, at least half of which will be animal protein. (If it had a face, it’s animal protein.)
– I aim for three servings of dairy – I react funny to cow milk and cream, so I stick to yogurt and cheese, and I use a LOT of almond milk, which also counts as dairy. Not sure why, but I’ll take it!
– I aim for at least one serving of fish a week, and one serving of a non-gluten grain. I’ll increase those as I learn to cook more with them.
– Last but not least, I aim for 2000 IU’s of Vitamin D, a Calcium-Magnesium supplement, and a multivitamin. That’s it.
THIS HAS MADE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER! I just have a little list with check boxes, and I try to check my list off every day. No more fretting about what I can and can’t eat. No more going hungry because I can’t figure out what I should eat, or going crazy and eating EVERYTHING IN THE PANTRY. And believe me, with a fruit and veggie heavy diet, I have more problems eating ENOUGH points worth of food than I do going over my daily allowance. Also, Weight Watchers encourages writing down every little bit of food you put in your mouth, and I’ve expanded that to include EVERYTHING, meds and supplements too, and since I’m writing all that down it’s easy to keep track of energy levels and hunger levels as well.
So there’s my take on food, nutrition and diet. Just remember, what works for me may not work for you, and it took a few years of trial and error to come up with a way of eating that’s healthy and comfortable for me. I hope this inspires you to find a healthy and comfortable way for you – it’s completely worth whatever time you spend on it, in the end!
Three little pills, spaced over three days. I’m super jittery but I feel AWAKE! Alive for the first time in forever. Looking forward to testing my limits all over again!
And a little afraid of the crash. But only a little.
Yesterday I didn’t have my normal morning coffee, because I hoped Modafinil would do enough to keep me awake. What I FORGOT was that there’s no actual caffeine in Modafinil – it works on a totally different part of the brain. So by about 2pm I had the (by-now-familiar) withdrawal headache. I have a love-hate relationship with caffeine – we break up occasionally, but I always go back. Anyway, I don’t like drinking coffee after noon or so, because it can interfere with my sleep, so I just waited it out. I kept telling myself “You’ll go to sleep tonight, and in the morning you’ll get up and have your coffee, and it’ll be AMAZING.”
So I just went about my day, doing housework and stuff (MUCH more housework, and more quickly than usual, by the way!) and it was fine, my energy levels were still pretty good, even with the low-grade headache. Right up until about 7pm when the Modafinil, rather abruptly, stopped working. Left my system. Done.
I was at a Weight Watchers meeting. (I’ve discovered that the new system is PERFECT for me, in combination with the Wahls Protocol, to help me make sure I’m getting the nutrients I need.) Anyway, I got hit suddenly with a dizzy spell hard enough to stagger me. I was standing in front of a table, and I’m really glad the table was there, because I’m pretty sure I would have hit the floor otherwise. One of the ladies asked if I was alright, and I said “It’s fine, my new alertness drug just wore off.” But inside my head I was frantic: “How the hell am I gonna get home? I can’t drive like this!” Thankfully, I quickly realized two things: 1. I moved back home so I had LOTS of people I could call if I really needed help, and 2. the dizziness was already wearing off, even if the brain fog wasn’t.
And I honestly think the brain fog wasn’t that bad, it was just that the CONTRAST between the alertness I had felt and then the exhaustion when it wore off was so sudden and pronounced. I had just moved from what felt like my “old, pre-MS normal” to my “MS normal.”
And it scared me. And then I started to over-think the situation (as usual) and freaked myself out even more.
Modafinil isn’t a physically addictive drug. That means my body apparently won’t develop a tolerance, so once my Doctor and I find a working dosage, I won’t have to increase it over time to keep the same effect.
But psychologically? Whoa Momma! I’m incredibly grateful right now that I don’t have an addictive personality. The only addiction I’ve ever dealt with is caffeine, and I’ve weaned myself off it several times, just to make sure I still could. Heh. Another control issue?
But Modafinil? The thought of feeling normal, and all I have to do is take this little pill? One teeny tiny pill, to make such a difference…
That terrifies me. Because I want it so very, very badly.
But that means giving control to this little white pill, doesn’t it? And I know I’m going to do it anyway. The thought is accompanied by both exhilaration and fear.
So yesterday, as I said, I told myself “You’ll go to sleep tonight, and in the morning you’ll get up and have your coffee, and it’ll be AMAZING.” And it was! I actually sat and REVELLED in the coffee, quietly of course. Too early for loud revelling, and besides I hadn’t had my Modafinil yet, so I wasn’t feeling particularly bouncy.
But I was waiting for it, looking forward to it. Craving the thought of feeling normal, if only for half a day. And I understand now, in a way I never have before, how insidious addiction could be. How somebody (with fewer control issues maybe?) could be completely overtaken, suffocated by it. But welcome it anyway.
Holy crap that scared me.
And then I realized that, once again, I was over-thinking. Maybe, just maybe, I should look at Modafinil differently. I mean, if I learned that a friend was on antidepressants, I’d applaud them for reaching out and talking to someone, and taking control of their situation. Too many people, I think, still assume that therapy exists for the weak. I think it exists for those strong enough to talk to someone about their lives, people who are proactive and want to change things about their thoughts and situations. (Ahem. I finally made contact with a therapist, to discuss my control issues and learn to deal with “my new normal.” I’m now on a waiting list. But I’m still happy I finally reached out to someone about it!)
Anyway, maybe I should think about Modafinil the way I think about antidepressants: it’s a way to help regain control, not a way to give control away to a drug. So I asked myself a few questions:
Q: Is it a necessary drug for me to take? Will my condition get worse without it?
A: Well, no. Most likely not. There have been some studies indicating that Modafinil may slow MS progression, but not enough to make it “a necessary drug.”
Q: Will my experience of life be enhanced by this drug? Will it help me participate more fully in my own life?
A: Yes, I believe it will.
Those simple questions, that stated belief, has leached away most of my fear regarding any loss of control. In any case, it’s only day three, and I may have a lot more to learn about this lol!
So my lesson for today is this:
BE AWARE OF THE CHOICES YOU MAKE, AND WHY YOU MAKE THEM.
That’s it, that’s all. There are always consequences, so when you’re making what you feel is a major decision, think about it. Be aware enough that you can feel good about what you decide. Write down your reasons, because it’ll help to remind you later WHY it was a good decision for you at the time. Is the end result worth what you feel you’ll have to give up? If your answer is yes, then just do it!
Modafinil. Mo. Da. Fi. Nil. My new drug of choice.
Modafinil is a powerful stimulant, and since I’ve had dry-mouth since my first pill yesterday, I’m attempting a caffeine-free day, and just hoping the Modafinil will take it’s place. I’ll let you know how that goes.
I was concerned that the drug may interfere with my sleep patterns, especially since I took it after lunch when I had the prescription filled, but I slept just fine last night. I woke up at a normal time this morning, with no headaches, dizziness or agitation. I’ve been keeping a close eye out for the listed negative side effects, but so far (other than the dry-mouth) there’s been nothing.
One other side effect I’ve noticed is that it’s acting as an appetite suppressant. Unfortunately, I’m hypoglycemic. That means I have low blood sugar naturally, and I really do need to eat every couple of hours. So I need to pay MORE attention to food, since regulating my blood sugar levels will be VERY important if I’m not getting as many hunger signals.
I foresee a possible issue here. Not because the drug doesn’t work, but BECAUSE it works really well so far, with liveable side-effects. I know that doesn’t really make sense. I think maybe it’s my control issues coming up again – I really dislike the thought of HAVING to take something every day.
Actually, I really dislike the thought of WANTING to take something every day.
This is ridiculous. When I get a sinus infection, I take antibiotics, I don’t complain that I have to take pills for that. When I’m really congested, I take a decongestant and an antihistamine, and I’m happy when they work. I don’t complain about taking them. Maybe it’s because I know the antibiotics are short term, and I only take the antihistamines when I feel like need them. So what’s the difference?
I’m willing to bet it’s another control issue. Heh. One of these days, I’ll have to see someone about that!
I’m not sure that anyone who hasn’t experienced a loss of control over their bodies and minds can understand how SEDUCTIVE the thought of “feeling normal” is. I’ve spent the last couple of years redefining my “normal” and so far, it’s not a destination, it’s a process. An alternately lovely-and-fulfilling versus horrible-and-frustrating process.
I guess the trick is to really savor the lovely-and-fulfilling parts, while passing by the frustrating parts, taking in the lessons as you go. I mean, that’s the whole point of the Edison Tally, right? To concentrate on the lessons instead of the outcome.
So. This drug. Maybe it’s a lesson in itself. Certainly, it’ll be a constant reminder that I still have some work to do around control! It’s funny how this one little pill brought up SO MUCH STUFF for me! I actually like it when that happens, because I really believe you have to understand what’s going on in your head, behind the scenes, before you can make changes. And I’m all about making the changes.
Is anyone else out there on Modafinil, or anything else for specific symptom relief? What’s your experience with your medication? Has any of your medication brought up unexpected challenges for you? I’d love to hear from you, just “Comment” below!
I LOVE to sing! I’ve always wanted to take voice lessons, but growing up in a small town meant that opportunity didn’t exist. So now that I live in a city, I’m taking advantage of some of the opportunities here!
I’ve been taking private classical voice lessons for almost two years now, which means I started as an adult after I was diagnosed. I’ve seen too many people say they’re too old or they can’t start something new because they’re sick, but if you don’t start now then when will you? All we have is now!
Anyway, my teacher is amazing and she lets me occasionally take a break from classical to get into pop or random karaoke, which is perfect for keeping me interested and engaged. So far I have 3 songs prepared at roughly performance level, and I’m learning another one right now called “Apres Un Reve” by Gabriel Faure, who I think is one of the most brilliant composers of all time. He’s not very well known, apparently because he wrote “art songs’ (single stand-alone compositions) rather than operas. Here’s an instrumental version of Apres Un Reve performed on violin by Joshua Bell:
I just want to point out that you don’t need to be exceedingly mobile to sing. MS doesn’t mean you can’t have hobbies, and it certainly doesn’t mean you should give up the things you love! It just means you’ll get really good at compromise. One of my compromises is that a lot of my voice training involves learning to sound like “healthy me” even when I’m fatigued or battling cold and flu-type symptoms, which I am half the time. I don’t need to sound better than anyone else, I just want to do justice to the songs that I’m singing. I want to be able to sing in a way people can hear the beauty of the song itself, the brilliance of the composition. And maybe one of these days I’ll post video of me singing, and you can let me know if I’ve succeeded!
You may have noticed that I haven’t been very active here lately. For a few months, actually. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I finally feel like I have an explanation that makes sense.
It’s important to me to be authentic, to allow myself to feel whatever I’m feeling and not to attempt to sugarcoat everything. I believe energy moves in cycles and it’s important to value and respect both the up cycles and the down ones.
I’ve been in a down cycle for a while. I actually had a relapse and I’ve been off work for a month, but I’m getting better and I’ll be back to my normal 13-hours-with-commute job next week.
When I say “down cycle” I don’t mean depression, I literally mean my energy is down. Fatigue and an inability to concentrate have been really debilitating issues for a few months.
I haven’t posted because (1) I didn’t feel like I had anything positive to say and there’s more than enough negative out there already, and (2) posting non-positive stuff about MS depresses me, and I didn’t want to go there.
I’ve been thinking about how to write for this site in a way that’s fun instead of boring or depressing. I’ve come to the conclusion that I should just write about me, about my whole life and the lessons I’ve learned overall, not just about MS. I mean, my life is about living, not just about dealing, right?
So please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a woman of wealth and taste! Well, not so much wealth, but definitely expensive taste lol! I’m a dreamer who loves to sing, draw, rearrange furniture, play in the stock market, and putter around the kitchen. Having MS has taught me a lot about compromise, but it does NOT mean I have to give up doing what I love. That’s what “Be Unhasty” is all about – learning to make time for what’s really important. Maybe I lost sight of that for a while, but now I’m back and I’ll be talking about living a full life, not just dealing day to day with a disease condition!
Thanks for your support! You *are* awesome!