MS Adventures – Modafinil, Day Three – Coming to Terms With It

Three little pills, spaced over three days. I’m super jittery but I feel AWAKE! Alive for the first time in forever. Looking forward to testing my limits all over again!

And a little afraid of the crash. But only a little.

Yesterday I didn’t have my normal morning coffee, because I hoped Modafinil would do enough to keep me awake. What I FORGOT was that there’s no actual caffeine in Modafinil – it works on a totally different part of the brain. So by about 2pm I had the (by-now-familiar) withdrawal headache. I have a love-hate relationship with caffeine – we break up occasionally, but I always go back. Anyway, I don’t like drinking coffee after noon or so, because it can interfere with my sleep, so I just waited it out. I kept telling myself “You’ll go to sleep tonight, and in the morning you’ll get up and have your coffee, and it’ll be AMAZING.”

So I just went about my day, doing housework and stuff (MUCH more housework, and more quickly than usual, by the way!) and it was fine, my energy levels were still pretty good, even with the low-grade headache. Right up until about 7pm when the Modafinil, rather abruptly, stopped working. Left my system. Done.

I was at a Weight Watchers meeting. (I’ve discovered that the new system is PERFECT for me, in combination with the Wahls Protocol, to help me make sure I’m getting the nutrients I need.) Anyway, I got hit suddenly with a dizzy spell hard enough to stagger me. I was standing in front of a table, and I’m really glad the table was there, because I’m pretty sure I would have hit the floor otherwise. One of the ladies asked if I was alright, and I said “It’s fine, my new alertness drug just wore off.” But inside my head I was frantic: “How the hell am I gonna get home? I can’t drive like this!” Thankfully, I quickly realized two things: 1. I moved back home so I had LOTS of people I could call if I really needed help, and 2. the dizziness was already wearing off, even if the brain fog wasn’t.

And I honestly think the brain fog wasn’t that bad, it was just that the CONTRAST between the alertness I had felt and then the exhaustion when it wore off was so sudden and pronounced. I had just moved from what felt like my “old, pre-MS normal” to my “MS normal.”

And it scared me. And then I started to over-think the situation (as usual) and freaked myself out even more.

Modafinil isn’t a physically addictive drug. That means my body apparently won’t develop a tolerance, so once my Doctor and I find a working dosage, I won’t have to increase it over time to keep the same effect.

But psychologically? Whoa Momma! I’m incredibly grateful right now that I don’t have an addictive personality. The only addiction I’ve ever dealt with is caffeine, and I’ve weaned myself off it several times, just to make sure I still could. Heh. Another control issue?

But Modafinil? The thought of feeling normal, and all I have to do is take this little pill? One teeny tiny pill, to make such a difference…

That terrifies me. Because I want it so very, very badly.

But that means giving control to this little white pill, doesn’t it? And I know I’m going to do it anyway. The thought is accompanied by both exhilaration and fear.

So yesterday, as I said, I told myself “You’ll go to sleep tonight, and in the morning you’ll get up and have your coffee, and it’ll be AMAZING.” And it was! I actually sat and REVELLED in the coffee, quietly of course. Too early for loud revelling, and besides I hadn’t had my Modafinil yet, so I wasn’t feeling particularly bouncy.

But I was waiting for it, looking forward to it. Craving the thought of feeling normal, if only for half a day. And I understand now, in a way I never have before, how insidious addiction could be. How somebody (with fewer control issues maybe?) could be completely overtaken, suffocated by it. But welcome it anyway.

Holy crap that scared me.

And then I realized that, once again, I was over-thinking. Maybe, just maybe, I should look at Modafinil differently. I mean, if I learned that a friend was on antidepressants, I’d applaud them for reaching out and talking to someone, and taking control of their situation. Too many people, I think, still assume that therapy exists for the weak. I think it exists for those strong enough to talk to someone about their lives, people who are proactive and want to change things about their thoughts and situations. (Ahem. I finally made contact with a therapist, to discuss my control issues and learn to deal with “my new normal.” I’m now on a waiting list. But I’m still happy I finally reached out to someone about it!)

Anyway, maybe I should think about Modafinil the way I think about antidepressants: it’s a way to help regain control, not a way to give control away to a drug. So I asked myself a few questions:

Q: Is it a necessary drug for me to take? Will my condition get worse without it?

A: Well, no. Most likely not. There have been some studies indicating that Modafinil may slow MS progression, but not enough to make it “a necessary drug.”

Q: Will my experience of life be enhanced by this drug? Will it help me participate more fully in my own life?

A: Yes, I believe it will.

Those simple questions, that stated belief, has leached away most of my fear regarding any loss of control. In any case, it’s only day three, and I may have a lot more to learn about this lol!

So my lesson for today is this:

BE AWARE OF THE CHOICES YOU MAKE, AND WHY YOU MAKE THEM.

That’s it, that’s all. There are always consequences, so when you’re making what you feel is a major decision, think about it. Be aware enough that you can feel good about what you decide. Write down your reasons, because it’ll help to remind you later WHY it was a good decision for you at the time. Is the end result worth what you feel you’ll have to give up? If your answer is yes, then just do it!

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MS Adventures – Modafinil, Day Two – Holy Dry-Mouth, Batman!

Modafinil. Mo. Da. Fi. Nil. My new drug of choice.

Modafinil is a powerful stimulant, and since I’ve had dry-mouth since my first pill yesterday, I’m attempting a caffeine-free day, and just hoping the Modafinil will take it’s place. I’ll let you know how that goes.

I was concerned that the drug may interfere with my sleep patterns, especially since I took it after lunch when I had the prescription filled, but I slept just fine last night. I woke up at a normal time this morning, with no headaches, dizziness or agitation. I’ve been keeping a close eye out for the listed negative side effects, but so far (other than the dry-mouth) there’s been nothing.

One other side effect I’ve noticed is that it’s acting as an appetite suppressant. Unfortunately, I’m hypoglycemic. That means I have low blood sugar naturally, and I really do need to eat every couple of hours. So I need to pay MORE attention to food, since regulating my blood sugar levels will be VERY important if I’m not getting as many hunger signals.

I foresee a possible issue here. Not because the drug doesn’t work, but BECAUSE it works really well so far, with liveable side-effects. I know that doesn’t really make sense. I think maybe it’s my control issues coming up again – I really dislike the thought of HAVING to take something every day.

Actually, I really dislike the thought of WANTING to take something every day.

This is ridiculous. When I get a sinus infection, I take antibiotics, I don’t complain that I have to take pills for that. When I’m really congested, I take a decongestant and an antihistamine, and I’m happy when they work. I don’t complain about taking them. Maybe it’s because I know the antibiotics are short term, and I only take the antihistamines when I feel like need them. So what’s the difference?

I’m willing to bet it’s another control issue. Heh. One of these days, I’ll have to see someone about that!

I’m not sure that anyone who hasn’t experienced a loss of control over their bodies and minds can understand how SEDUCTIVE the thought of “feeling normal” is. I’ve spent the last couple of years redefining my “normal” and so far, it’s not a destination, it’s a process. An alternately lovely-and-fulfilling versus horrible-and-frustrating process.

I guess the trick is to really savor the lovely-and-fulfilling parts, while passing by the frustrating parts, taking in the lessons as you go. I mean, that’s the whole point of the Edison Tally, right? To concentrate on the lessons instead of the outcome.

So. This drug. Maybe it’s a lesson in itself. Certainly, it’ll be a constant reminder that I still have some work to do around control! It’s funny how this one little pill brought up SO MUCH STUFF for me! I actually like it when that happens, because I really believe you have to understand what’s going on in your head, behind the scenes, before you can make changes. And I’m all about making the changes.

Is anyone else out there on Modafinil, or anything else for specific symptom relief? What’s your experience with your medication? Has any of your medication brought up unexpected challenges for you? I’d love to hear from you, just “Comment” below!

My MS Disclosure

My MS Disclosure from Tanya Asbreuk on Vimeo.

http://unhasty.com

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In this video I talk about discussing your condition with other people, and where you might need to be mentally before you’ll feel comfortable doing it.

Do I Have MS? A Reply to A.A.’s Questions

Honestly I’m not sure if this is a good idea, but the day before yesterday someone emailed me through my “Contact Me” page and my reply email isn’t getting through to her email, so I’m posting my reply here. I want her to have this information and I don’t know how else to get it to her if I can’t email her. I would probably give similar advice to anyone who was wondering about MS or if they might have it, so maybe it’ll help someone else out there.

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Hi Axxxxx,

Thanks for reaching out. I can’t even imagine how frustrated you must be.

I’m not a medical professional, but yeah, your symptoms sound familiar. What tends to really define MS, though, is the presence of sclerosis (white plaques or scarring) in your brain, so if nothing is showing up on your MRIs I’d probably assume it’s something else. Only 5% of the population generally ends up with a false negative or a false positive. When was the last time you had an MRI of your brain? You said the neurologist sent you for one of your back? Were you experiencing weird things going on at the time of your MRI, or had the symptoms subsided already? Continue reading

MS and Cognitive Impairment

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In this video I talk about the cognitive impairment associated with my MS, and how it’s helped me take myself less seriously while (weirdly) improving my methods of goal setting. Watch it and let me know what you think by clicking the “comments” link below.

Don’t Be An MS Fatigue Martyr!

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This article made me snicker, not because of the content but because of the ATTITUDE!

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Your Battle Plan for MS Fatigue

Fatigue is probably one of the most complained about Multiple Sclerosis symptoms. We’re not talking about some ordinary fatigue here; but fatigue that incapacitates you physically, mentally, psychologically and emotionally as well. As if having Multiple Sclerosis wasn’t depressing enough, the degree to which your already low reserve of energy and strength is sapped is sufficient to halt any and all activities and often does.

Did you have a plan to do this or that? Well guess what? There’s a very good chance it may not happen. At least not when you had originally planned. Of course, if you’re the one with Multiple Sclerosis, we’re preaching to the choir here. You already know how it can profoundly affect your daily activities, but you should also be encouraged to know that you can do something about it. If you want to counteract the way fatigue impacts your daily life, read on. Continue reading

A Typical Day with MS, and Why I Like Having Multiple Sclerosis

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So it probably sounds strange, to hear me say “I like having MS” but just watch the video. It’s more correct to say I can appreciate certain things about living with MS. I think we create a lot of our experience by the way we choose to look at things, at situations and circumstances. I think we have control over how we look at things, even if we may not control those things themselves. I know my attitude helps me get through things that used to be very, very difficult for me to face. I just needed to look at things differently.

What about you? Do you notice a difference in your energy levels when you’re in a great mood versus when you’re in a crappy one? I don’t mean a “good day” versus a “bad day” physically. I know I can have exactly the same symptomology two different days, the first one can be h*ll to get through and the second one easier just because I’m in a bad or good mood over something else.